I woke up today feeling a bit of panic. Not sure if it's the amount Dexter we have been watching? (we finally took the advice from all of friends, well from actually anyone who has ever seen the show, and starting watching it, and just completed Season 1 in 3 days) It is bloody ( hee hee) amazing, but creepy. Or the panic could be from the dog in the other apartment building next door that barks so loud I can hear him, and the creepy thing about that is he only barks like that once a month.. However, while sipping my coffee I realize that I have so many artisan markets booked this month, and among all other things going on in my life, I have lost the balance.
I find I can teeter off balance quite easily, and that last month has been exhausting. Loosing our beloved Kitty Ferris, that cat was ace! - to moving out of my studio - going through self doubt- issues in relationships... and just trying to be a grown up is tough..running your own business is tough...I am going through a transition in my life right now, and doing my best to embrace the shit out of it. I know I will grow from all these experiences and be a better person for it.
The biggest thing that is putting my natural transition through this off balance rocky course is self doubt .Self doubt paralyzes my growth. I believe that I come off very confident, however I judge myself regularly and that is so damaging to almost everything in my life. That is why my self confidence is borderline bullshit.
One time in counselling appointment, I was told about the warrior inside me, all I imagined was the Indian, from the children's story Indian in the Cupboard just hanging out wondering how the fuck he got inside me and if he was ever going to get out. . It made me laugh every time I had a stomach ache, images would flood my head that it was my warrior dancing, smoking, drinking..
..My warrior rules everything in me. Although every once in awhile it looses passion or goes on vacation, and being an artist it is natural to have self doubt, and the self doubt flourishes . It is also why I can be so narcissistic. Funny story about that, recently I was shopping with a friend, and we stumble upon a place that sold these funny pins, cute, artistic, and clever. She picked up this one that wrote " I find myself fascinating" she laughs and says this is SO you. I, at first laugh...and then was stunned, all I thought was " what the fuck is that suppose to mean?" I know she wasn't being offensive. I was definitely being sensitive. So I bought it. I wore it proud ( not really, my warrior wore it proud ) and everyone laughed and said " ha ha, that is so you" or " they made that especially for you", oh another called me "cheesy"...(them fighting words)...After the dust settled I realized that maybe I do find my self fascinating .and that is OK. We tend to be raised in a manner that we should feel bad for ourselves if we succeed, or even if we like ourselves. I feel that is where my self doubt began to grow, it was at a very young age.I was a pretty good athlete growing up, played almost every sport, and was good at all of them, except high jump, and shot put...but soccer,basketball,baseball,field hockey, track and field, I was GOOD. BUT every time I won, I was told to be better, and in my young not fully developed brain that is equalled not good enough. I was told to be humble in celebration. I kept thinking , I just won, I beat everyone, let's jump up and down hoot and holla. But,that isn't very sportsman like. BUT I DID BETTER? These days I am,cheering like it's the first time I won anything, recently I rocked the shit out some games at a stagette, I got some goood loot! I was jumping up and down, and hooting!!!
So today, I am on a teeter totter of finding myself fascinating, or feeling like I suck. But my warrior keeps me proud and to just keep swimming.
I find I can teeter off balance quite easily, and that last month has been exhausting. Loosing our beloved Kitty Ferris, that cat was ace! - to moving out of my studio - going through self doubt- issues in relationships... and just trying to be a grown up is tough..running your own business is tough...I am going through a transition in my life right now, and doing my best to embrace the shit out of it. I know I will grow from all these experiences and be a better person for it.
The biggest thing that is putting my natural transition through this off balance rocky course is self doubt .Self doubt paralyzes my growth. I believe that I come off very confident, however I judge myself regularly and that is so damaging to almost everything in my life. That is why my self confidence is borderline bullshit.
One time in counselling appointment, I was told about the warrior inside me, all I imagined was the Indian, from the children's story Indian in the Cupboard just hanging out wondering how the fuck he got inside me and if he was ever going to get out. . It made me laugh every time I had a stomach ache, images would flood my head that it was my warrior dancing, smoking, drinking..
..My warrior rules everything in me. Although every once in awhile it looses passion or goes on vacation, and being an artist it is natural to have self doubt, and the self doubt flourishes . It is also why I can be so narcissistic. Funny story about that, recently I was shopping with a friend, and we stumble upon a place that sold these funny pins, cute, artistic, and clever. She picked up this one that wrote " I find myself fascinating" she laughs and says this is SO you. I, at first laugh...and then was stunned, all I thought was " what the fuck is that suppose to mean?" I know she wasn't being offensive. I was definitely being sensitive. So I bought it. I wore it proud ( not really, my warrior wore it proud ) and everyone laughed and said " ha ha, that is so you" or " they made that especially for you", oh another called me "cheesy"...(them fighting words)...After the dust settled I realized that maybe I do find my self fascinating .and that is OK. We tend to be raised in a manner that we should feel bad for ourselves if we succeed, or even if we like ourselves. I feel that is where my self doubt began to grow, it was at a very young age.I was a pretty good athlete growing up, played almost every sport, and was good at all of them, except high jump, and shot put...but soccer,basketball,baseball,field hockey, track and field, I was GOOD. BUT every time I won, I was told to be better, and in my young not fully developed brain that is equalled not good enough. I was told to be humble in celebration. I kept thinking , I just won, I beat everyone, let's jump up and down hoot and holla. But,that isn't very sportsman like. BUT I DID BETTER? These days I am,cheering like it's the first time I won anything, recently I rocked the shit out some games at a stagette, I got some goood loot! I was jumping up and down, and hooting!!!
So today, I am on a teeter totter of finding myself fascinating, or feeling like I suck. But my warrior keeps me proud and to just keep swimming.
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